Autumn Tengu, Ink, 7x10, 2020
When I sit down to make art, unfortunately, it often comes with a lot of anxiety, dread, and being too harsh on myself. Dealing with all of that usually leaves me paralyzed or escaping to avoid making art. The moments making art is fun or relaxing for me is seldom.
But I’ve been working through all of that. I keep trying to make art because it is important to me. It is a skill I’ve put a lot of time, money, and effort in. Others have supported me to keep at it. I want to keep at it. Understandably putting such an importance on something like that can arguably put stress on oneself. But I’m glad I’ve kept at it.
I’ve learned not to compare my art with others unless it’s beneficial for my art and/or psyche. I’ve learned to create a small ritual to get myself in an art-making zone out of habit. I’ve learned to let those more negative thoughts and feelings happen, but not focus on them. I try to focus on the art-making process and mentally pat myself on the back for still making any progress while dealing with those inner demons.
Last Thursday, I sat down to draw the above image. I had some fun ideas swirling in my head for this character I wanted to be an antagonist for a Dungeons and Dragons one-shot adventure I was planning for some friends. I sat down, I got to work, and I was finished. If I recall, a little over an hour flew by. That’s when I realized I didn’t have to deal with any anxiety during the entirety of the process of this drawing. It was fun, and it was surprisingly: incredibly peaceful.
I’m sure I will still have to deal with anxiety and maybe some of those other inner demons when sitting down to make art. Especially because I believe it is important to keep pushing oneself. Which often leads to discomfort, then hopefully improvement.
But for now, it’s nice to feel a wholesome shred of self-confidence for my own art making-process and have appreciation for whatever comes from it. To allow myself and my art to exist.
That said, this past month, my eyes have been widened to the fact that the black lives in this country (U.S.A.), have been, over centuries, treated as if they shouldn’t exist. More importantly, they are still being treated that way.
I’ve only been able to deal with my inner demons and the voices in my brain that tell me my art and I don’t matter because I have lucked out and have grown up in generally positive and supportive environments. I don’t have to deal with questions like “Where are you really from?”, “Do you have the Corona?”(https://www.npr.org/2020/06/17/877498373/coronavirus-racism-and-kindness-how-nyc-middle-schoolers-built-a-winning-podcast), “Could it just be…the colored population do not wash their hands as well?” (https://www.daytondailynews.com/news/local/lawmaker-asks-colored-population-not-washing-their-hands-well-others-behind-covid-rates/mnI4I0D4DHS5uscmbpqcQL/)
These questions, in my eyes, imply both a lack of empathy and racism, and are a tiny example of how this country seems to be unintentionally and intentionally saying: “If you are not white and not from this country, you might be a threat.” Which is a message that I don’t say lightly. But the more I listen and learn, the louder and clearer this message becomes.
Please listen, learn, and act so that we can become a country that unintentionally and intentionally says: “You are allowed to exist.” But to get there, I firmly believe we must first say: “Black Lives Matter.”
A Link to Listen:
https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/
A Link to Learn:
https://lithub.com/you-can-order-today-from-these-black-owned-independent-bookstores/
A Link to Act:
https://americansofconscience.com/